Here is what really happened.
This situation is at the courtroom. Because of some unexplained cinematic mystery, this opening is in slow-motion even though you are only reading it on your favourite blog.
A glint catches your eye. Your view zooms to the shine from the rounded, polished head of a wooden hammer at the far end of the room. The hammer has been rising steadily and is about to experience swift, yet dramatic change in the direction of vector forces acting on it.
To a casual observer, it is what it seems – a wooden hammer. The trained eye will see a seamless union of two organic compounds – that of dead life and live flesh. The trained eye sees not just a hammer, but a natural extension to muscle and flesh on the the hand of the judge – a fitting extension to the arm of law, if you like me to put it that way.
While we were being a tad too indulgent in the last few moments, the hammer has reached the highest point in its motion and is about to swoop down (in slow-motion, may I remind you) and rap the wooden receptacle.
There is perfect silence. An alert ear could have heard a snigger from two thousand one hundred and seventy seven Kilometers. Yes, Mani Shankar Iyer had to be in Chennai that day.
Well tempered muscles on the Judge’s right Infraspinatus, biceps and Extensor carpi radialis longus act in perfectly executed symphony (an utterly slow rendition)
More Silence, if that was ever possible, ensued.
Suddenly a muffled noise made it’s way out of a thicket. It was Kalmadi trying to utter some words in desperation through his plush beard.
Kalmadi: Everybody, I have Dementia.
The hammer screeched mid-air. Aforementioned muscles on the aging arm of the law went into a frenzied state owing to such unprecedented mid-flight braking.
What?? Asked the mouth attached to the same body the arm was. The same arm, in fact, to which the hammer was attached to.
Kalmadi: What do you mean what?
Judge: What did you just say?
Kalmadi: Me? What did I just say? Who are you? (does a joyful spin in his chair guffawing loudly)
Judge: Ok. Let me proceed then.
Arm rises again. And along with it, the hammer.
Hammer screeches to a halt mid-air again. Muscles terse and expectant for further instruction.
Judge: OK, what?
Kalmadi: Your honour, I remember. I have Dementia.
Kalmadi: Yes, that’s right. And in case you didn’t know, and in the interest of the audience and the press in this court, Dementia is “A chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes, and impaired reasoning” If you don’t believe me, go look up Page 1783, 8th paragraph in Gray’s Anatomy. 17th edition. Other editions may have different page numbering, so don’t forget that while you are cross checking on me. I read this right after I had tea and biscuits with the Warden at Tihar.
Hammer hovers mid-air, terse muscles still waiting for a suitable command to find a closure to the several aborted initiatives.
Judge: What do you think of yourself? Are you out of your mind?
Kalmadi: No. Certainly not. Wait. Yes, I am out of my mind. Dementia. I just told you. Did you forget?
Judge: Oh I see. I remember. And if you do too, We have nothing further to discuss.
Muscles erupt in cooperation, Hammer rises yet again.
Kalmadi: Hello. Wait. Ask my doctor.
If those Muscles and hammer had eyes, they’d have looked at each other and rolled eyes.
Doc: Err.. Yes.
Doc: (Muttering into Kalmadi’s ear): When will you pay me the bribe for this lie??
Kalmadi: What!? What fees? I paid you just yesterday, all old notes, in non-sequential numbers!
Doc: No. You are confused. You have Dementia. Remember? And if I don’t get 5 times what you promised, you will forget to smile, my friend.
Kalmadi: (with the look of one one-upped at the exact worsely-timed moment) Grr. Aaargh
Runs about court lividly. Grabs hammer from judge and slams it on his own forehead repeatedly, causing him to slump. Tiny multicoloured birds appear, flying out of Kalmadi’s head and circle around the head briefly. Lot of chirping before they eventually disperse and disappear.
Judge: You are disrespecting the court.
Kalmadi: (recovering quickly, but significantly disoriented from all the earnestly delivered self-inflicted wacks on the forehead) Court? Where is the net I say?
Judge: Look here, I will hold you in contempt.
Kalmadi: No, you will not.Don’t you dare touch me. You will not hold me in Contempt or anywhere else in the world. Besides, I am never going to Contempt. Let’s see how you hold me then! Where in the world is Contempt anyway? Is it the capital of Rome?
Judge: Court Adjourned till prying media investigates and finds something more substantial.
Hammer finally slams.
Doc winks at Judge. Judge winks at doc. Judge pulls out a calculator and punches some numbers greedily.