If you took my previous post seriously and watched I Am Legend, I am sure you’ll agree it was quite a well made, thought provoking movie. And whats more, it was a big box-office hit.
Which is all the basic criteria Bollywood needs to, shall we say, get creatively inspired to make a shameless copycat version of the same. I was shrivelling and writhing in embarrassment after the Partner movie episode which involved the original makers of the original movie, Hitch call the Desi Hitch-inspired Bollywooders and pull them up and shake them a bit in their shoes.
But do we ever learn? I think not. To learn will be a significant shift from mimic. Bollywood will do it again. They are sure to go ahead and allow I Am Legend to creatively inspire them and use this inspiration to create their own version of the movie.
Here is the sneak peek of what a remake of I Am Legendwould be when it does tickle the creative fancies of the Bollywood multitude.
I Am LegEnd 9,9.
It is the year 2012. The setting is the ruins of Mumbai city. Rabert, with size 9 on both Leg-Ends, is your friendly clean shaved, red and black checked, full-arm T-shirt(or sweater no one knows), faded jeans and white-shoes-wearing super-hero-next-door who can bash up bad guys 15 at a time. But with increasing peer pressure, Bollywood movies are driven to bold attempts to step away from the beaten-to-death formula of heroes battling dumb villains in a three-hour celebration of the unearthly greatness and glory of one single man – our hero. Our hero is ably supported by a huge cast, and even more by the director and special effects teams (chalks & crayons type entry-level animation rookies). This combined rock solid support enables a single minded 3 hour pursuit of the core objective – Mission-Matrimony – which eventually climaxes to the tying the knot around the heroines neck, and sometimes to a closing shot of a terribly odd bed strewn with flowers.
Indeed, ’tis time for our incredible hero to test his heroic disposition against bigger powers.
Rabert is an AFMC scientist who is the lone survivor of a biochemical fallout caused by prolonged use of the Mithi River for political ends(Substitute copy with Cooum River if it were Kollywood making this movie. But that being said, Kollywood seldom does such shameless rip-offs) . Years of repeated mud-slinging among politicians turns worse when they switch to slinging mud, sludge, or whatever it is from the Mithi river. The city is, in no time, contaminated with deadly stench and concoction of the flush-out matter of over 20 million apartments in Mumbai and its suburbs. The concoction is so potent as a toxic chemical – what with 90% of the population drinking cola and eating thoughtlessly engineered vegetables washed in green dye to appeal to the unsuspecting ‘housewife’ outside the 26 markets of Mumbai’s suburban railway stations – that it rapidly begins to affect the population of the city at the DNA level and eventually the entire nation and even the rest of the insignificant world (Refer to earlier JustPathe post to get the drift of this self-promotional reference).
In less than three years it splits the population into just two types. Those with LegEnds of same size, and those with mismatching LegEnds (mostly shoe size 8 on left and 9 on right Leg) . As you might expect, as we have been hardwired over the years by generations of script writers, the ones with mismatching LegEnds are the bad people. To be different however, the guy named Rabert is in fact the good guy.
Rabert has blood thirsty zombies as his neighbors and his trusty dog, Samantakini, Rabert is trying to discover a cure for this disease and to help revive whatever is left of the population including any other people who might have also survived. So he practices his experiments in his secure lab on an infected zombie he has captured. It is worth noting that this zombie is female.
One day, Rabert meets Pinky, another survivor. During an intense mentally stimulating conversation when he encourages her to accept the idea of Bobko roz Marle, they discover they were childhood friends and that they had, out of sheer innocence that is found only among 10 year old children with long hair and shrieky voices in Hindi movies, wandered into a desolate temple on a rocky mountain and gotten married to each other during a game of mummy-papa. Pinky has a twisted, dirty, stinking totally gnarled rope still around her neck which establishes all evidence to prove her credibility.
Suddenly the young couple is rudely shaken out of their romantic revere – which had incredibly transported them to the Alps. They hardly have time to change their clothes back to what they were wearing before they had drifted off into dream sequences involving 15 to 20 encouraging Apsaras going ‘Ooooo! Oooooooo!’, who had materialized magically on the snow-clad mountains of Switzerland wearing totally Indian outfits. Result was that Pinky was still wearing a two piece suit that exposed a lot of skin and flab, not to mention a very ugly, wrinkled belly button. How she (and others of her kind often spotted on Chitrahaar etc.) ever escaped Pneumonia is a big mystery that is still being studied by specialised research labs set up at John Hopkins in the United States. Rabert was of course wearing a silly sweater with diamond shapes in yellow and pink and white leather shoes on his size 9,9 LegEnds.
The captured zombie had broken lose and she was what was responsible for thesorry-for-the-breakyathat happened on the Alps. The Zombie shrieks and wails and emits barbaric noises and seems very upset. That’s when the young, terrorised couple recognize good old zombie – Sheetal who was secretly in love with Rabert for over 20 years when their fathers had jokingly discussed marriage between her and Rabert. Rabert was of course mollycoddling innocently with Pinky at that very moment outside the temple….what unfolds is an emotional, tear jerking, heart-wrenching suspense thriller family drama…..a must watch.…..
Adapted from a totally spoofed up future review on IMDb (if image is illegible, then you have to ‘zoom barabar zoom’. Hover mouse over image till you find a ‘zoom’ button at the right bottom corner of image. Oh yes, you need to click it too).